Penchant shifts Birthday focus

Penchant Lama today shifted his birthday focus outward. Instead of creating exhaustive lists of presents and distributing them to his friends six months before his birthday (and threatening poop bombs for failure to comply), Penchant has decided to give presents on his birthday.

Penchant was inspired by Stillwater, the bear in Zen Shorts.

"Stillwater is a close friend of mine, a diplomat, and a dignitary. When I see a good practice, I adopt that practice as my own. Still, Stillwater could lose a few pounds. He really filled up that swimming pool in his book."

Penchant will begin accepting gift requests in September. His birthday is October. Yes, not a day in October: just, October. Penchant arrived in America in October of 2005. No one, including Princess Mu, whose yoga room Penchant crashed in to, knows the exact date of Penchant's arrival.

Penchant expects his friends to implement similar birthday policy. Yesterday he gave Koach Krafty (August 31 birthday) his birthday list. Select items: a new cape with the phrase "Eat it Down"; bubbles for his bath; and a Snuggie blanket .

To read about how Penchant arrived in America and his first adventure with Princess Mu and Stingy Guru, check out Tinkering today!

TsungChi

Koach Krafty to Retire from Coaching Tennis

Greensboro, NC -- Legendary Greensboro tennis professional Koach Krafty announced his retirement today through his spokesman, Penchant Lama. Krafty taught for 31 years on the hard court off of Pisgah Church and Willoughby Road. He averaged 13 hours of teaching a day, six days a week, for 31 years. 14 times he earned "Community Man of the Year" honors for his work with kids. Krafty rarely taught basic skills or fundamentals; mostly he worked with his clients on special spins and mental toughness. Krafty taught from a rusty lawn chair; he never used a racket to teach in all his time on the court.

Before teaching Krafty played professionally for six years. He never won on tour, but he did defeat Jimmmy Connors once and is the 31 time Greensboro "drop-in" champion. He coached Andy Roddick and Roger Federer in his last few years as a pro.

Krafty has retired to spend more time with his revolving door of girlfriends. He also is serving as a consultant for Penchant on his many business ventures.

"With the infusion of rather large men and unusually large women on the tours today, Krafty suspects the rampent use of performance enhancing drugs," Penchant said. "His slicing and intimidation techniques simply don't work for today's game of rotund, juieced, and beastly players. He will now focus his efforts on me, and more civilized sports such as gymnastics and dance."

-Tsung Chi

Penchant denounces Gov. Patterson Obesity Tax

Greensboro, NC -- Penchant Lama today denounced New York governor Paterson's recent call for an obesity tax on non-diet soda, claiming the plan is essentially toothless.

The governor considered Penchant's more severe "pay per pound" plan but ultimately rejected it based on the machete clause.

"You got to get these fat people moving," Penchant said. "You got to motivate these people to get off their tushes. Machetes will do this."

Penchant conceded there may have been a miscommunication between himself and the governor.

"The guy is blind," Penchant explained. "And he's got no sense of humor. He probably didn't understand my video proposal."

Better People to Throw Your Shoes AT!

President Bush isn't that bad. I assure you, he is not a bad man, just a victim of circumstance and very poor leadership skills. President Bush did not deserve to have a pair of dirty, smelly shoes thrown at him. In fact, right now, there are lots of people more deserving of a shoe fling than him. Here is my list of people I would love to throw my shoes at!

-O.J. Simpson - A true idiot.

-The 3 CEO's of the car companies - Flying in private jets to Capitol Hill to beg for a bail-out? Who does that?

-Hello Kitty - Meow! She annoys the crap out of everyone with her fat face.

-Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich - Selling a sentate seat? Oh...MY...God! As destructive as democracy gets!

-Bernard Madoff - Stealing millions from the innocent. This guy is NO Robin Hood.



Have more to add to this list? It is dynamic. So, come on, add your suggestions by posting a comment below! Nothing is too outrageous.

Penchant's Top 10 Worst Christmas Gifts

Greensboro, NC -- Hello everybody. My name is Penchant Lama, and today I'm going to reveal my top 10 worst Christmas gifts. Here's what you really should avoid buying under all cicumstances:

10. A Dyson vacuum cleaner: this gift implies the receiver is a dirty, dirty person.

9. The Zone Diet: this gift implies the receiver is an obese person.

8. A Billy Blanks TaeBow karate video: this gift implies the receiver will suffer a heart attack if they don't start exercising soon.

7. The Moosewood Cookbook: this gift implies the receiver is an animal murderer.

6. Guide to Solitaire book: this gift implies the receiver is a lonely bum with no friends.

5. Channel make-up: this gift implies the receiver is ugly and has skin deformities.

4. Electric nose hair clipper: this gift implies the receiver has slithery nose hair that is distracting in conversation.

3. A gift certificate to Lane Bryant: this gift implies the receiver is larger and more robust than necessary for sustained health and well being.

2. An Acorn Stairlifter: this gift is expensive, and implies the receiver is infirm and incapable of climbing.

1. A one-way ticket to Baghdad: this gift also is expensive, and implies that you never want to see the receiver again.

Merry Christmas.
Love, Penchant

Tyrice Returns!

Greensboro, NC -- Tyrice, Penchant Lama's infant, has returned from Permanent Care in Switzerland. Penchant shipped Tyrice overseas in a crate immediately after discovering she was an infant. However, in celebration of the birth of the baby Jesus, Permanent Care sends all of its children to their original homes for two weeks during the Christmas season.

"Today is the worst day of my life," Penchant announced when he and Koach Krafty picked Tyrice up at a delivery dock in Wilmington, NC on Monday. "When they said 'permanent' I thought they meant 'permanent'. Don't have the monies to take care of my baby girl. Plus, I have to change her kakas."

Yesterday Penchant enrolled Tyrice in day care. "Only bad thing about it is I have to pick her up. I'm not getting any sleep really."

Tyrice will return to Switzerland on January 2. Despite his complaints, Penchant has been seen reading Elmo books to his daughter every night.


To read about Penchant's arrival in America and his first adventure with Princess Mu and Stingy Guru, check out Tinkering, Book I of the Books of Penchant


- TsungChi

Chrissy Doll gives birth, Krafty gives buffet

Greensboro, NC -- Princess Mu's best friend Chrissy Doll gave birth to baby Jackson Ryan this afternoon. Koach Krafty, Chrissy Doll's dance teacher for 11 years, celebrated the event by throwing a buffet brunch shortly after the birth for the nurses and expecting mothers at the Women's Hospital in Greensboro.

Krafty loaded mostly sausages and brie from Naughty's into the Winnie and hauled the grub over to the hospital at 7:00am this morning. The buffet table stretched almost 65 feet. On Krafty's order, Penchant Lama denied male nurses access to the spread.

"We're celebrating life, but don't feed any of the newborns the sausages," Krafty announced before stuffing his face with a vegan sausage.

Naughty arrived at 8:00am with his waffle maker and his omlette chef, Mr. Matson Andrews. Stingy led the eaters by assing out 11 Western omlettes.

-TsungChi

To read about Penchant's arrival in America and his first adventure with Princess Mu and Stingy Guru, check out Tinkering, Book I of the Books of Penchant.